FEW TESTIMONIALS FEW PARTNERS
These are many words that describe my experience working with Jessica & Diego learning is not one of them, more like revealing, un-learning, observing & understanding the root and origin of my struggling & internal suffering are more suitable characteristics. Its unlike anything i have ever heard or seen of before as i have tried and read everything in the spiritual area & i can say its truly unique!
I have witnessed myself blooming throughout the whole process in such a way that allowed me to face fears inside me through understanding all of the feelings
that was put so clearly to the illusory perception of what we think fear is. Jess & Diego gently but firmly facilitates the process for you; by exposing your own out-worn past identities, conditioning's, beliefs. As I began to observe my thinking, I began to notice the energy behind my thoughts and the images it creates in my mind which are all stemming from the past, cutting off the energy supply to my imagination and inherent sensitivity. The freedom which I felt from the start is indescribable. A feeling of "beauty" in a calm and beautiful environment of inhabiting the true me; for the first time is truly magical! The fact that my freedom resided within me all along, free from any technique or guru, the simplicity of it all.
Don't get me wrong, the undertaking to free yourself from all kinds of fears is not for the fainthearted but a bold, interesting and intense journey nevertheless.
Moreover, during extensive discussions with Jessica & Diego followed by numerous personal nervous breakdowns, is exactly when freedom was illustrated to me through & by a very honest, very frank mental journey & deep integral intellect. To be aware of everything, the seen, the heard, the thoughts/memories without being involved in them is the essence of mental liberation.
Of course, out of this freedom various hindrances might arise, & that was what I experienced. Even though I could feel a on again off again tranquility & see clearly the patterns of my thoughts, it was only through observing them I could see how emotional turbulence would arise along with self-destructive talk, where i could choose to identify or not.
I felt that it was just a beginning of a long and grueling introverted journey and the other a simple process of observing. Particularly for me, I wanted to deeply inquire into the war within myself and enter more deeply into the process of awareness. From the self-observation itself & from the discussions with Jessica & Diego which encompassed various topics, giving explanation from the point of view of various beliefs & programmings of our current society, especially all of the confusing New Age Spiritual practices, it became clear to me that if you truly want to free yourself from everything you ever learned & acquired as a belief, you must let go of it all & pay attention to what you already know within. Jessica & Diego are very unique & interesting at their approach & encouraged me to keep aware without despair.
Chicago/ Bali Indonesia
First of all, a bit of background : I have had a catholic education with all it includes about sex-shaming and the taboos around it. And also have been raised in a very machist family.
My relationship to sex evolved over the years without never having been ‘resolved’ in a healthy physically self-enjoying one, even nowadays I can’t enjoy it physically only as my brain cuts off from it and predominates on my body somehow.
When I was teenager, I remember how we constantly were bombarded with sexy video clips showing women as sexy women-objects, especially in the hip hop video clips. I became a whore, a sexual object to my partners, enjoying the fact to be an object of desire during the action, thinking it was all about that and a way to be loved.
It changed later on when I grew older: after my 20s, I made literally a depression because I wasn’t virgin no more before marriage and this is totally related to my catholic background. I felt guilty, ashamed, sad about it.
Sacred sexuality :
Then, when I was 24 and depressive-almost suicidal-, I met a guy on the internet that proclaimed himself as a ‘tantrist’ and told me we had a ‘spiritual mission’ as new meaning in my life (he knew I was depressive-suicidal). He was the age of my father (which was a taboo to me too) and soon enough became my ‘guru’ (very fake and abusive one, it turns out he was also a sex addicted actually and collected superficial relationships – conquests /trophies over the past). The fact that tantric sex is seen as ‘sacred’ sex and making it something let’s say holly was very convenient psychologically to me but let’s face it: it was a reaction to my past, finding a meaning in my life and having a better relationship with my sexuality.
BDSM or control issues:
I ended the relationship pretty fast (7 months) and escaped in a virtual world on the internet called Second Life where I played Gor without even realizing what it was about. (Gor is a serie of science fiction novels, based mostly on Antiquity and muslim worlds also, where women are mere slaves (just like in antiquity) to men, in the second life game version there is also a lot of bdsm included). These were my first steps into B.D.S.M. and I didn’t even know I had some masochistic tendencies at that time. It started only into the mental realm as it was on internet and not physical.
I fell in love with a very dominant guy there and submitted to him (virtually). Soon enough, my submissive side started to show up. It was very surprising to me because I struggled so much in real life to be a ‘powerful’ – careerist woman in a man dominated field. I thought it was a kind of balance between my professional life and the fact to be a woman to fit in the man-woman usual relationship roles where the woman takes care of the house and her partner, which are two contradictory patterns set up by society.
That submissive side was also a way for me to let go for control somehow… I tried too hard to have the control in my life (like being perfect and in the norms) and the fact to leave the control on my body and mind (lot of mind stuff related to control here in a dom/sub relationship) for a temporary lap of time to another person and most of all, in a consensual way and with trust (which trust and boundaries got violated regularly In that scene).
I don’t like pain (guh I’m even a wussy actually lol and I fear to have pain/suffer) but somehow I “need” it. I “need” it to feel good about myself or about my pleasure or even to allow myself to feel pleasure. It works like a way of expression of inner pain, a way to connect to my body and a way to self-punish me to feel the relief of redemption after.
Bondage and claustrophobia:
Soon enough I started to explore BDSM in real life and got also attracted to shibari/Japanese bondage for its esthetic and art based on torture. It’s actually surprising and contradictory because I ‘m claustrophobic! At the beginnings I enjoyed the ropes but never really let go in them (=so keeping control on my emotions) (things depend a lot on the context and the person who ties you up aswell as the dynamic with that person). After 2 years it became more and more difficult to enjoy the bondage because of my mind, the claustrophobia or discomfort came up pretty soon when I was tied up so I didn’t have the patience to take the ropes for long unless almost edging some panic attacks or whatever…it’s also one of the reasons why I stopped.
Intellectual Fantasies as exorcism:
So here we go…it’s only lately that I realized that my fantasies where only intellectual and related to my fears.(It’s crazy when I think about it…how can I be aroused by the idea of something I fear and try to absolutely avoid in my real life?) Completely contradictory to my real life or what I struggle to achieve in real life. It looks very contradictory or bipolar let’s say…opposite. My religious education has a lot to do with my fantasies because there is always some catholic ingredients in it (like the priest (= religious authority), the redemption / punishment for sins (nourished by guilt to have sexual desires and sexual life I guess)) … Or also social exorcism … like we strive for honorability and I love to be humiliated and so on… I thought for long that somehow I was trying to temporarily kill my ego through all those means/tools…but the relief is only temporary.
The funny thing is that lots of confused/frustrated people join bdsm to escape from the normal structures of the system ( which is why it s called deviants I guess) …but the truth is that even the bdsm community is a very structured one , full of codes , rules and authority levels. How ironic.
Looking backwards at this time when I was obsessed by BDSM as another way to explore my (intellectualized) sexuality and my dark side, I thought it was a way to balance the real life and normal life of everyday and those oppressive structures I was mentally living in. But somehow I was still living in those structures by exorcising them because their roots where still in the same place and as a reaction to it.
After that I started a period of ’ chastity’ and it was mostly a way to avoid relationships (I did attract 5 manipulators since I’m 24 and especially in BDSM) but it didn’t prevent me from other manipulative persons ( control control control booh seems like I invite people to control me cause I don’t know how to behave or what to do in my life or that I don’t know how to’ fit in’).
Before and after i met eof !
I have allways been an idealistic and naive person, seeing that the power structure we live in now is totally obscene and hilariously sad. I knew in every fiber of my being that this was a prison of illusions. Having my family fixing my problems and never taking much responsability as to who i hurt or who i let step all over me. I did not know where to set boundaries.
Letting others opinions get the best of me, and being pulled in the direction my ego most wanted, hiding and denial, because of having a mentality and an persona that most people did not understand, which made me into a easy target, and I am responsible for a lot of it, because I gave them power by buyin into it. Being the victim.
But under all that, I had a dream, a natural dream... I saw animals, nature and humans co-existing in a world where there was no wars, no manipulations and no power struggle or competition. But then I tok that on as an identity and defended it to the core, thats when the trouble began.. Cause then I wasnt able to abide by laws, go to school or work and certainly not agreeing with society, I hated the world, and everyone in it. But hiding myself and my views to a degree, cause I didnt find anyone who agreed with my view or could help me get there or humanity there..which I thought was my mission, to get people to understand.
After seeing that no one was there with me, and I was a nerd for caring, I found a false persona, the "I dont give a fuck" person, who stepped on people and was egocentric and shallow. And I got recognition for that persona, there was more people like me now. (I figured that, that was because they aslo was as the true me, but they had deliberatly forgot it, to fit in.) GO figure.
So basically I lost a lot of friends, made new ones, lost them, did drugs and drank a lot to escape my lack of understanding of why and how come I was so unlovable that everyone left me.
Then I left all of it, I never got revenge, even though that was what I was craving.. but that was not my idea, I got it from others, who told me how to tackle enemies, but I was to soft hearted, so insted I got into spiritualism.. After hours and hours which became well over a year of youtube videos, books, cd's.. I was so confused and anxious, that I didnt know how to deal with life anymore.. I would watch a video on youtube to help me understand, stressing about if it was the right one to help me through my work day or gathering with friends.. I was addicted and had no chance of surviving alone.. so i thought.. Before that I was turning down friends of fear of looking fat, by the way, go go society.. supression of women, its heavy in our dna.. anywho... I was struggeling even more than anytime in my life with all this spiritual info...
I had to meditate, but didnt understand how.. so I began doubting my intellegence and willpower.. I had to eat Raw food, but I craved other food and started feeling like a faliure, I had to go barefoot in nature, but I was inside watching youtube.. I was never safe and never ready to face the world. I could solve EVERYONE elses problems, but not my own.. My friends got enough of my "this is why that, and that is what you must do to fix it" bullshit.. So eventually I was alone.. So I felt like a idiot and a unlovable person.
So then I went for even more videos.. but it didnt work.. it made me doubt myself even more, cause I was not able to be positive all the time, I thought I was having deamons in my house and sucking my life power away on a daily basis.. if someone was negative around me, I would judge them harshly and try to get away from them.
So as you understand I was sad, depressed, alone, confused and tired...
So I went back to drugs, and heavier than Ive ever been.. I took things I never thought Id try.. And drank everyday and was seeking approval from any man who would give me the time of day..
Then I woke up one day, after ruining my friends car in a toxic state, and getting pulled into the police station for blood tests and later on punishment...dun dun dun!
My family was broken down, I had lost all my friends and I was a thousand miles away from who I am now.. BUT.. I wouldnt know as much without it, so here I am, telling you, how bad it can get.. when u dont understand pain, or really anything about ur own psyke.'
You become an unconcious cocreator of drama, more pain and more confusion.
So then my family, friends and I, co created from wanting me to get better and move on so much, a call from an old school mate, telling me that if I didnt move in with them, they wouldnt get the awesome apartment they wanted.
And I was like, I AM COMING, RIGHT AWAY!! So I packed my things, and moved to another city, to get better and get distance.
I blocked myself into my room, fearing people, life and new circumstances. After my drugs and my spiritual drugs, I was a mess, a scared mess.
I stayed in my room for almost 5 months.. and then spring came, and after my two lovely roomates, filled with a big ear for listening, and big hearts for understanding me.. and a little nudge of pushing me when they saw fit, I came out of my shell and moved into a new.
Then I started watching Jessica's videos.. she was the only person I could resonate with or even stand, after my spiritual journey.. she had something about her.. And I know now that is calles authentisety and love, for this existance.
And then I found EOF.
This is where I was intriged.. cause this was hard core, break it down for you silly apes content... I am not telling you to sit in a tree and hug it and then get an apiffany, I am here to help you understand your own mess and confusion.
And I read and I read, and the more I read, the more I was curious..
I didnt take it as serious as before with the spiritual stuff, I just read.. cause I knew that I would never be naive about anything again.. I would think about it, and analyze.. as I am good at. and let it mix in with my truth.. and it mixed well..
And now here I am, not paranoid from conspiracy, cause I know that I am the illuminati.. I contributed to theire power.. I fed it, by looking at conspiracy.. I am the police, as I arrest and judge the behaviour of myself and others all the time.. wanting to control it. I am the bully I am the victim.. I am all of it.. we all are..
There is no more, she is a hoe, he is a samaritan.. we are so much more, but we get lost i lables.. as we are programmed to.. from childhood..
We learn what to think, when to think it and how to defend it.
So back to my natural thoughts.. And I learned from my conversations with Jessica, that the best way to know if your out of wack, is to observe nature.. do a rabbit wear or care about her thong or her lipstic is right for the nights events in the forest? NO, HELL NO! Haha..
I also watched a snake program on animal planet, and I have allways feared snakes, more than anything..
And well.. the man who chased to find the most deadly(in human programming that is)choackin snake.. he found her in the water swimming, and they fought for a good while, and then they both where so tired, and I guess the snake sensed that the man was just there to show her off, so she was really calm, as well as tired and just let him show her to the camera, and didnt bite or attack, and was relieved to get to go into the water again, cause she really just wanted peace and to live her own life.. So there goes the theory that all snakes, sharkes, lions, tigres, crocodiles and the rest of the deadliest and most dangerous animals just are out to harm and kill us, into the BIN! Like.. I was like.. REALLY, HAVE I BEEN FEEDING THIS IDEA FOR SO LONG WITHOUT SEEING THE OPTION TO THINK OTHERWISE.. MAAAN, I was locked into programming.
And this is what I have been seeing over and over with jess and diego.. there is more than one way to think of things.. pain is not a bad thing, its a messenger for thoughts out of wack who need attention, structures of soociety is bullshit, cause there is nothing out there.. all is inside.. nature didnt come up with our nations laws, our country lines, our generes of music with rules for what is what, WE DID. HUMANS DID! And one idea from one concidered powerful man, became something the whole nation abided by.. The constitution in Norway was written by 8 drunken men, on a late evening.. and the people followed out of fear of loosing their farms, families or just ignorance.. I dont know, I just know that if we really give it thought, it doesnt make sense.
So are we ready?
Will we make it?! is this a hopeless case of trying to shake the allready fallen society.. because.. everyone i speak to basically understands and knows this way is not working, but seeing another way is hopeless, they know we are poisoning the world, to much garbage, which is a direct mirror of the grabage which is filled into our minds from hollywood and tv in general. Because then we have to give up comfortzones, tvshows and parties..
its like the good life of illusions is anchored or locked into us.. soo hard. Thanks to JayZ and The Hills and Nicky Minaj...
i mean, id rather have a peaceful life in our family cabin by the lake with natural fruit, veggies and berries, fresh water from the river and animals around the place.. sunpowerd electricity and still have internet to communicate with peolpe and see creative things online..and be without all the other stuff that is killing us.. but there is few like us.. as u say! The internet, the electricity is there, but due to money makes the world go round and wall street, we are proogrammed to think it would dissapear if we didnt pay for it. IT WONT, WE JUST HAVE TO COLLABORATE!
I mean what if everybody turned of their tv, stopped buying newspapers and listen to the radio.. then it wouldnt be much more power in medias grip and the propaganda machine.. lol.
thats the only way they get power..we buy it! I know its more problems after that, but we can fix it! But not if we see the media and tv as its a service to us that they are samaritans sharing to help us.. THATS JUST RIDICOLOUS... they are feeding our trauma and our fear, every day!
To be continued.
And due to the serious theme of the ending here.. Ill just make sure I tell you this is not where Im at, I now dont take life too serious, I wont get out alive, but I still want you to see the illusions that is there, but you didnt know you had the option to think outside or change the view of..
But I ask you to think of this: what if we would go together, let go of religions, political views, identities and races.. and think of a collective future.. as we are all human beings, or animals of some kind.. and not be influenced by others ideas for us.. as hollwood and the news has been so keen on seperatiing us by... what would we do toghether? Could we survive together.. do we all want a responable and peaceful life??? On a living planet??
First of all, I wanna thank you for the work that you and Diego are doing. These things need to be said and I’m so glad that you are sharing. It’s actually just in the last month I’ve started sharing the things that you and Diego are writing on facebook. I’ve always only ”liked” your posts, but with a strong urge to share. I didn’t want to share out of fear of what people might say, and people getting upset with me. But then I realized: ”I’m liking their posts on the end of fear, but I am not willing to share them because of fear?" That’s just stupid… And dammit, this is important! So I started to share.
I have witnessed first hand how dangerous this ”be positive” mantra really can be. My best friend is diagnosed as ”manic depressive” and a couple of years ago I really tried to help her. Especially with positive thinking, as that was something that was occupying my mind a lot at that time, and I felt like I had ”seen the light” (which is pretty embarrassing right now)… But all it did was, getting her completely obsessed with it, to the point where she would contact me late at night, upset, asking me to read positive affirmations aloud from my louise hay book for falling asleep. She couldn’t fall a sleep without it, and she basically used (uses) the positive affirmations for EVERYTHING. And it didn’t help one bit. She ended up beating herself up every time she would get a negative thought. She felt even more sad and confused, and was completely addicted to the think positive belief. I feel responsible for this and I can’t take back the things I said to her. We really need to be careful with this stuff.. I realize that now.. So many people out there are so easily influenced and seeking for answers and will believe anything blindly without questioning it as long as it has a new age kind of a vibe to it, or it’s coming from the ”right kind of people” I used to be like that… kind of ..
I have ”followed” you for a few years now, and I have always loved the things you shared and appreciated your honesty! Ever since you and Diego got together, I feel like I’ve learned a lot. (Or maybe I should say unlearned a lot;)) I have a lot of different fears and a lot of insecurities.. and even though I am moving slowly along on my own with this process, I really feel like I need some help to go deeper. I’ve really started observing my thoughts and it’s unbelievable how beliefs and conditionings have taken over.. scary to realize.
I get excited when I think about going through this process and digging deep. Because I’m determined to do it! I would really like to have a skype session with you guys.
Hello, and thank you so much for addressing this greatly important topic from a place of honest investigation. After watching your EOF videos I have had many revelations and I would like to sum up what I have so far took-in and understood to see if my perspective of your information is in harmony with yours. I apologize I advance for the patched together info and any of my rambling since my integration of these concepts are still being understood.
In one of the videos it was said that depression can be thought of as a virus or as an indication that suggests to us that we are emotionally alive, yet in friction//conflict with something else. I have struggled with depression since I was a child and never really understood why I could not simply maintain a happy internal emotional balance. Yet for the first time since the beginning of my constant searching to find a way to maintain a sustained state of happiness in a healthy fashion, I feel that I am on the edge of understanding what has been causing this depression. Understanding the cause will hopefully lead to a way of figuring out how to eliminate it. Just the concept of viewing depression as an indicator of being alive is mind blowing for me since I always thought of depression as death, ugliness, and nothingness just a dark unrelenting void. Therefore, I asked myself “what is the ELSE that causes this friction?” or “what is the FRICTION that is the cause of my depression?”.
The video then began talking about self-identity. I realized as a child, once I could understand what the “world” expected of me then I soon began constructing my ID BOX around myself to please the “worlds” expectations and to fit-in, be normal. I suppose what happens to many of us is we lose ourselves in the BOX and can’t get out.
My next revelations that the videos evoked surrounded the concept that the suffering is created since we are not the authors of our past and that these other “authors” became our authorities. That brought forth the questions of, “who wrote my past?” and “Who or what are these people or things that I have given my power to?”. Moving forward, the idea that the human mind needs psychological safety to function properly and that the past is the easiest tool used to build this box is exciting to question. When we are not the authors of our past, and the mind protects our psychological safety by pasting our “unauthentic past” screens onto our present moments, which in turn robs us of our authentic future possibilities that leads to this feeling of unobtainable lasting happiness and contentment. What do you think?
Circling back around to depression and the idea that depression is an indication which suggests to us that we are emotionally alive yet in friction//conflict with something else, again leaves open the question of “what is this friction that is perpetuating the depression?”. The understanding I am coming to is that my “friction” is my “adopted past” which has been written and directed by others or that my “friction” is the necessary need of the mind to have psychological safety. So if the “friction” which causes depression is eliminated then it is reasonable to think that the depression would also be eliminated. Is there a way to eliminate psychological safety? Or is the answer to erase my current false unauthentic past and become the author of my present past in order to live depression free. Are either of these two options even realistic to obtain?
When the videos said that “the past has been inoculated within our minds by other authors and that they became our authorities” it really struck a chord within me. Are we depressed because we no longer have power over ourselves therefore our lives are dictated and ruled by the directions and ideals of others instead of living from our own divine spirits directions? This lack of self-power over our personal existence leads to us not living our authentic present moments “beings”, instead we live and believe what others say is our “authentic moments/beings”. So, we do what we have been programmed to do but deep down we know that their version of us is not our true-self. We emotionally “know” that their version that we have adopted and currently live as us is false and we are severely depressed about this but do not cognitively understand the true root of our depression since it is coming from a feeling place not a thinking one.
I am still very uncertain about these concepts but would really appreciate any clarification that will further my understanding. Thank you again!
I am sure it must be disheartening to daily deal with people’s judgments that this idea is evil, useless, or not understandable. As you probably know these people are more than likely reacting that way from fear.
I used to be a religious person many years a...go and if I would have come across your very perceptive ideas and understanding of the human psyche, I probably would have not listened and automatically deemed the message as not from god. I believe the majority of people that are religious will have an automatic programming that your information will slam against. It is mostly from an open mind that people can take in and really question this information and therefore be able to question themselves and the ID box that they are living from within.
After I sent my previous e-mail I looked further into your work and now have a much clearer understanding of this psychosocialexistential cast which has caused such atrophy. Can you imagine a world where everyone is brought up with this rise of intelligence free of conditionings….. it is hard to imagine such a place, but wouldn’t it be beautiful?
What about in the rearing of children? In today’s world how can we teach our children to exist this way and still have a ‘successful’ existence? Do you think that it is these ‘conditionings’ which help people become ‘successful’ in today’s messed up world? I am a mother and would like to raise my children in a way that gives them the tools to be able to thrive as well as be free from an ID-box so that they can truly be content and happy.
Thank you again for all your efforts in revealing your perceptive observations to the world. If I can successfully apply this way of being to my life and become balanced then it will be wonderfully transformed.
Diego kricek Fontanive:
Indeed when someone calls another 'evil', that person speaks through his/her belief system.. .and that's an indication of fear;
Fear of the different, fear of the unknown, fear of what's not within the comfort zone of that person...
It happens among people as like it happens among communities and societies... and so it has been for millennia.
People need to separate 'cause this action gives them a sense of psychological security... but unfortunately that sense is the main disconnector among men and, as well, within one's psyche...
You wrote :
-"Can you imagine a world where everyone is brought up with this rise of intelligence free of conditionings….. it is hard to imagine such a place, but wouldn’t it be beautiful?"
YES ! : I do imagine a world like that... a world where the basement is no longer logic/division-based, but emotional/perceptive/free intelligence-based: that's the flowering of life and mind without beliefs, nor nations, nor gods to divide people's minds, nor social cages, authorities and manipulative school system and not violence anymore !
That's the world where is would like to see the next generations to come..
It's almost utopia... but not impossible... (indeed the world impossible.. sounds like I'm possible ! )
TOWARD A SCIENCE OF CONSCIOUSNESS 2011